This weekend was such a blur. A fast pace, good time, closure filled blur. Yes, I said closure. Actually, I didn’t even know that it was closure filled till late last night.
You see, yesterday the hubs was a PRO SPECTATOR at what suppose to be one of his last races of the season. They even called his name out at the starting line, whoops! But this guy did not start. He coached and cheered from the sidelines with me.
As we waited for one of his athletes to come out of transition, I turned to him and asked how he felt being here, not racing. He said he was happy, and in a way it brought some CLOSURE to this knee injury of his. I get that. Closure is part of the healing process, in fact I think it’s the most important part because it heals the heart and the mind. So now we are just waiting for that last bit of healing….the actual knee itself.
One Cotter Closure down, one to go. Which leads me to myself. ICK! But I know I am in need of some. You see, I am not good at being vulnerable and really speaking my mind. I am often told that I am a closed book, or rather vague. It’s a WALL and a defense mechanism. Well, closure to me means pulling down that wall, creating space for my own well being. My closure comes in words. Writing out how I feel, being okay with, and moving on.
“Closure” Points:
- I used to compete in triathlons but now I am the triathlon “mom.” I like to take care of those competing instead. No need to justify that.
- I think of myself as a runner even though I am not really running these days. It’s about my passion for the sport, not the number of miles I log.
- My previous parasite/intestinal infection from 2 years came back. It recently took a toll on my gallbladder (hence the weekly doctor visits). I am frustrated for not taking care of myself fully in the first place. But I am allowed to feel this way, and I am finally doing something about it!
- Fear and anxiety used to consume me due to this infection. Each day I learn to let go of each a little more and trust my body is healing.
- I have “trained” for many running events thinking I am 100% healthy, but have quickly learned that God has other plans for me at the moment. One of them is patience.
- I now know why God puts us through certain physical trials, to build us back up stronger.
- I will now define my life by my daily aspirations, not by my accomplishments.
- I’ve learned that asking for help has made me more compassionate for others.
- It took me way to long to write this, but I did it. Sympathy is not my intention here, just writing for me…… for closure.
One step closer to healing, one moment of vulnerability embraced, one smile away from aspiring peace.
Cheers to Closure!
Cotters
p.s.
Congrats to Sio (Sio’n on the Run) for winning the CALM giveaway. Email me your address friend!
What an open and touching post! I can totally relate to the closed book thing … and should also work on closure. I know it really helps.
There. Did you get it? I just sent you a virtual hug. Now? Did you get that one? There’s another one- one for each of you.
I love you, Linds, and your beautiful soul! <3
and i love you right back. thank you for ALWAYS being a gentle soul with me. Hope you are feeling better!
I am feeling tons better, thank you! xo
thank you for sharing your experience. closure is hard for us that find our identities in doing something physical but I like that you expressed that your passion is for the sport and lifestyle and not shown only by the number of miles you log. I hope your recovery is complete soon!! and your husbands too!
thank you crista. Its taken a lot to realize that but now that i am at peace with it, i can embrace healing. Passion is for the sport, like you said.
🙂
thank you so much for writing this. i can tell that it was hard for you but it really is so healing to read about other’s growth. it helps to learn from what those around us go through and to take inspiration/ lessons learned from their experiences to help us guide our own journey.
i’m so glad that you are getting closure and taking care of yourself!
I hope this brought you at least some amount of closure. I’m sorry to hear about your health issues, but I’m happy to hear you’re taking good care of yourself. I’m also happy to hear your comments on being “a runner.” I struggle with this because I used to (kinda) be a runner, but now it’s hard for me. Am I a runner even if I don’t run far or all that fast? Does it matter? Sigh… I give up on the label, but I haven’t quite given up on running… yet.
i think you are what you love, even if you don’t do it anymore or if its hard. Running is something you love and you are a runner indeed! Thanks for kind words Tiff.
<3
Beautiful post! I takes me way to long to write posts too! I’m definitely an overthinker!
I can really relate to you… I’m not good at speaking my mind either… I am more of a peacemaker… trying to make everyone happy. That’s why I love blogging… I’m much better at writing my mind than I am with speaking my mind!!
and what a great outlet it is for that. Words can bring such peace. Thank you for sharing Lisa!
I think you and hubs have nailed the closure topic 😉 What a beautiful post! I think being open and talking about things really helps us feel better, see the situation and step through it. Dancing in the fire is the best part of figuring your stuff out. We can’t just push it aside and pretend we don’t have feelings, etc, we need to be ok with being in the pain sometimes and recognizing it. Don’t be hard on yourself…..be amazed that you can heal yourself and see the beauty in it 😉
xxoo
well i think you just nailed it even more. Wow, dancing in the fire I will, and I will come out stronger for it!
Wow Lindsey, this was a beautiful post…Loved all your closure points you listed, and I could relate to many of them. Patience is something I lack to most, and I think God is training me in that regards, too. We’re a constant working clay to form the most beautiful pottery in His eyes!
thank you sophia, i think patience is one of the hardest things to do when it come to physical health, as you know. A mental battle versus a physical battle. But you are right, God has us in training. I will let him mold me.
Lindsay, it is so hard to come to terms with what God has planned for us. Sometimes I get so angry at God that he won’t let my body do the things I want it to do. I have had many times had to remind myself that God has another plan for me, and running so many miles and becoming focused on only that for the time being is not what God wants. I love how you say you are still a runner because of your passion. I signed up to be a Track and Field Coach this Spring, I think it will help me come to terms that I my body might not be cut out to run 20 mile runs anymore, but at least I can experience the joy of running through others. Just remember girl, what you go through only makes you that much stronger in the end!
Chels,
thank you. You are SO RIGHT! it is hard for me to grasp Gods purpose here, but maybe it is to what true JOY is all about. Best of luck with the T&F coaching. I am excited for you!
How good did it feel to let all of this out? Amazing how that works! 🙂 I also can be a closed book and sometimes use it as a defense mechanism, but I am working on it. It’s hard sometimes! PS: Loved your tree pose. Hope you are having a wonderful week! xoxo
um, it felt so good and scary! thank you for always listening.
xoxo
Aww hun I am so sorry. Battling illness can be really really tough. I am glad you are gaining some closure and perspective. If there is anything i can do, you know I am there, even to lend an ear!!! Take care of yourself lady, we need strong race legs for when we eventually can race together!
thank you friend. I will be stronger for OUR race. That you can count on! now get pumped for this weekend!! WOO!
Ok, so can that race be vegas on december 4th lol?!!? ahhh so excited! and crazy and nervous haha
i wish! i will be in new zealand by then. WHOA!
This was such a beautifully written post. It filled me with happiness to read about closure and seeing how happy the two of you are with where life took you! What a great post
You two are amazing! Finding closure is one of the most rewarding and satisfying feelings! YAY for both of you!
I can’t tell you how much I LOVE this post! I am so happy you two are getting closure! I am getting closure too on so many of the same things as you! This one especially: ‘I have “trained” for many running events thinking I am 100% healthy, but have quickly learned that God has other plans for me at the moment. One of them is patience.’ Um, YES! I have learned a lot of that this year, and am still learning! I know you will both get your closure because the Cotters are amazing 🙂 <3
You are inspiring in so many ways. Thank you for your transparency, your optimism and your grateful spirit. I always leave your blog in a better mood or mindset than before I clicked over.
You are inspiring in so many ways. Thank you for your transparency, your optimism and your grateful spirit. I always leave your blog in a better mood and/or mindset than I was before clicking over.
Such a deep, meaningful, open post – I wish you all the very best with your journey to health – we learn so much from our struggles and personal challenges, they really are our teachers.
I’m so glad you and the hubs are finding closure, so that then you can move on to healing <3 We all make mistakes – I know what you mean about wishing you'd looked after yourself previously – but you are doing that now, and that is such a wonderful aspiration. 🙂
Sending you so much support, big smiles, and bestest wishes, from over the seas, lovely! <3 xyx
You guys are such a cute couple, it must be said! 🙂
I have had gallbladder issues as well and I completely inderstand the frustration of not being able to participate in the sports you love! I stopped running for a year, due to the pain I was experiencing. Currently, I trying out acupuncture and traditional chinease medecine and it seems to be helping! Take care and rest up!
Beautiful post. Linds, I don’t even know where to start. I know you are not looking for sympathy but I am feeling it for you and I will be praying for you. You are so right about God having a different plan for us at times and it is so hard to think that clearly as we are going through that time in our life. I am so happy James was able to feel closure with his knee injury. You both are such incredible people and I learn so much from you!
I adore you! Thanks for your honesty…it’s not easy opening up and being vulnerable. I completely get that and am the same way. Always here for you! Wishing you health, happiness and closure : )
Love to you!
Katie
no its not, its a weird eerie feeling. haha, but i am learning. Oh yes, the learning!
closure is a wonderful thing! and tri-moms are underrated 🙂 i love it when i get the support of family friends, totally makes the experience for me!
good! I will be your tri mom if I ever get to meet you at a race. For sure!!
praying that you get better. and take good care of yourself too, my friend.
Thank you Sarah. You know I love your prayers!
girl – you are so inspiring!!! love that you shared your closure thoughts with us! as I feel many of us go through similar thoughts, well at least I do. like especially now that I am still dealing with acne, stomach issues and hormones all over again. I thought I was getting better a few weeks ago but lately I have been doubting myself. so I too need to do some soul searching and know that I am doing everything to heal my body!!! HUGS!!
xoxo
Lori
sometimes i think our bodies are almost detoxing on their own, ya know? You are taking good care of yourself physically, now its just mentally. I am glad we can be there for each toerh Lori. Let the Soul searching begin!
Wonderful post, I’m glad you decided to write it all out. Take care of yourself!! xoxo
i am glad i had open ears and hearts to listen in return. <3
Each and every one of us go through seasons when we need closure–I’m stepping out of one right now. It’s so beautiful on the other side! Man, that parasite sounds bad. I’m praying for complete healing and recovery!
I am waiting to get to that side, God willing. I know its in His plans. phew!
Girl, this post SO hits home for me. I don’t even know where to begin with closure…
well we all gotta begin somewhere. I know its hard. xoxo
Once a runner, always a runner – doesn’t matter if you’re not running right now (or ever again!).
Hope you’re healthy and feeling better soon!
love that liz. once a runner always a runner. FOR REAL! thank you.
I really love all of your closure points and can relate to such a degree! Always remember though, you are ENOUGH! 😀
i will for sure remember that Jess. Thank you for the reminder. <3
These spaces are sometimes such an odd thing to be at ease with – the line of how much to share and how much to hold in is often blurry and hard to see! I love that you’re opening up little bits at time, but always know that we’re here reading and along for your Cotter-crazy (awesome) ride, wall or no wall 🙂
yes, you said that so well Heather. Its an odd space to fill. A yearning to share but not sure where to start or end. I am so glad you are on this crazy ride with us. Cause we are on your ride too, the journey must continue!
Love you! And so glad you are feeling closure on certain things. I know it’s been a whirlwind of a year. You are certainly a strong, determined, and giving woman.
thank you Tina. God’s strength has helped us persevere. I know you can relate to that. xoxo
Love you.
This is soooo beautifully written, and so intuitive! God has given you a gift my friend 🙂
I think it’s great you and your man are finding closure in your loves, it’s such a wonderful feeling to achieve that sought after peace, eh?
Hope you have a wonderful Monday night!
ah, God is good my friend. Its funny how peace can come in the midst of trials, right?
Wow, Linds, such a great post! I am often told that I hold things in too…but you always seem able to eloquently spell out your thoughts when you write your blog posts! I wish I could do that! I’m so glad that you and the hubs are reaching some closure in important areas of your lives :D. You guys are adorable together!
oh but I do think you do that, in your own “lindsay” way. I also think that as I get older, I am getting more comfortable in my heart, if that makes sense. The hard part is seperating the heart from the mind.
Right friend?
Yes, you are absolutely right! I totally agree 🙂
“I will now define my life by my daily aspirations, not by my accomplishments.” THIS – exactly! What a wonderful outlook. I love how you so openly express your deepest thoughts, anxieties and feelings. Such inspiration.
You are both amazing! I”m glad you both got something out of the weekend, even if it wasn’t what was intended originally. This too shall pass!
yes, it will pass! and one day, we will be back at those races with a healed heart and body. We better be able to meet up with you at one of them.
🙂
Lindsay- amazing post. I hear you on using a wall as a defense mechanism. My heart goes out to you. So crazy how God works sometiems and how we need to learn that He has much bigger plans for us that are sometimes not what we thought they were.
Sending prayers your way! So sorry you’re havign to deal with all of this.
amen to that. A totally different plan but a divine plan. right?!
<3
I realized as I was writing today’s post that I finally had closure too – for me, closure meant accepting that I have Celiac Disease and will always have it – but that I can still do EVERYTHING that I want to do, as long as I am taking care of myself too. Closure, for me, was acceptance – and an honest assessment of where I am!
I’m glad you have closure and I’m so sorry that you are dealing with the parasite again – but I know that you can handle it and that you will be healthy again soon! From one runner to another, whether we are training or not, we’ll always have the mentality and it makes us strong in every aspect of our lives!
yes m’am, this we can relate to. Lets keep each other strong Laura!
You always have a way with saying things so right <3
You always find the positive in things , this is why we are soul sisters ; )
You need to buy the pink zin next time, I need to have a glass with you!
xoxo
ahh yes we do. Wish i could fly out to san fran in november and share a glass. One day friend!
Good for you Lindsay. Cheers to healing and taking care of yourself!! Not only will you feel better and benefit from taking care of YOU, so will your hubs.
those words are golden, coming from you. I will do just that sabrina.
Sometimes it is easy to get so wrapped up in caring for others that you forget to take care of yourself! I hope you get some closure my friend!
you nailed it. I lost all focus on my well being and down i went. But standing strong I will come back. 🙂
p.s.
hope you are settled in nice and tight!
‘I will now define my life by my daily aspirations, not by my accomplishments.’ – love this, can I steal it and live by it too?
Life is a series of cycles – closure is one of the most important stages – completion gives us the opportunity to start fresh on a new one (using what we have learnt from the previous cycle!).
Lovely words, you have such an inspirational “voice”… love reading your musings 🙂
Yes yes! steal away. How about I bring it to NZ when we meet, eh? thats my new beginning. xoxo
This is a powerful realization — that closure is a necessary component or healing. Sometimes we need to put a bandage (or barrier) up to start the healing process and feel secure — keep our wound safe.
But there comes a time when you have to peel the band-aid off and expose the wound to the elements — face it in all it’s glory and put it out there — in order for it to heal. You don’t hide the wound — or hide from it. You look at it, “be okay with it and move on.”
I think you did that here. And I want to thank you for sharing more of yourself with us today.
I’m gonna pray for physical restoration for you but mostly the removal of fear that is clouding your complete and total reliance. You are far too beautiful and loved to experience fear, but of course we all do. Imma pray for that — a drastic relief of your fear (and of course your belly boos).
Wow. Sorry for the novel.
your words pretty much mimic my heart. How do you know me so well, oh thats right. sistas in christ. I am thankful for such a prayer warrior like yourself! I mean that Missy. Your prayers give me such peace.
<3
Oh Lindsay – this is wonderful. You’ve given this a lot of thought and it shows. It’s wonderful to see how you’ve gone into this and what you’ve come out with. And you are – of course – totally right as well. Love to both of you clever Cotters. Healing and closure is surely yours!
ah sweet Petra, such amazing support you show us! I hope our cleverness will cure us. hehe. Thank you friend as always.
So beautiful!! And you’re right, friend. God DOES have some amazing things in store for both you and James. There’s no telling what they are, but God knows, and…that is enough.
That is MORE than enough, you are right. Trust and know that HE is GOD. That I will do sweet friend.
This is very honest Lindsay. Thank you for sharing and thinking about you!!!
thank you Colleen. Its good to hear from you. Are you all healed from the crash by now? I hope so. Cheers friend!
you’re always so genuine and positive even during the hardest of times.
thanks for the inspiration.
heal fast and be well!
<3
Your openness is so refreshing. I understand the desire to put up the walls. I do it too often. But, when I open up to people, and let them know what’s going on in my heart and mind, good things seem to happen. It’s just not very easy. 🙂
“I now know why God puts us through certain physical trials, to build us back up stronger.”…Love this!
so true jen. Its hard to trust that instinct too, that good things will happen. But we know God is in control, amen!
I just hugged myself – did you feel it? It was for you.
yes, i felt that. Whoa, good one! now hug yourself in public and make us giggle.
You know, I kind of wondered what it must be like for James at the race. So glad to hear that it was a sense of closure and not sadness. So glad you guys were there to cheer on the participants.
And I understand not wanting to just tell everyone all of your business. I’ve been worried about you this past month though so it was nice to read this. Hugs my friend!
thank you for always checking in too.. It was nice to be able to talk with you personally. I feel such at ease.
Closure is always preferred to waiting for things to make sense in a limbo state. Loved your writing here–even if it took you for awhile. No sense in rushing the closure…soak it in and take the time to measure its weight, right? Happy top of the week to you and may the rest of the week bring clarity and freshness and beauty. 🙂
i think youre right, weighing it out right. That is what I will do. Thanks steph for such wisdom.
A healing post…most definitely. Hard to put the words down, when they are hard to reckon with sometimes, but sometimes doing it IS the best path to closure. I have found that too. And I totally relate to you on the running thing. Not the miles you log, it’s the love of the sport/challenge. you are entering a new phase in your journey and being able to shed some of these things and gain that closure is exactly the right move. Good on you my dear! XOXO!
oh wow, i have learned so much from you Jolene. Mainly about closure and opening up, so thank you!
God must want me to be REALLY strong, then. 😉
my dear friend, always the inspiration, even in the lower times. I so appreciate your honest and open sharing, always.
happy to hear this weekend was a healing experience for James, too – closure is very important.
GOD knows you are REALLY strong, i think thats the answer. Your strength gives me hope and encouragement, good thing too! I don’t know what I’d do without my bettie. <3
Thinking about you and your family during this time as well friend.
oh, gosh I just love you!!
I am sad to hear that you both haven’t been 100% but glad that you are on your way to recovery. I strongly believe that injuries or illness are often time protecting us from something worse that could have happened. Sending you and James all the good vibes I can from Colorado.
Feel like you need a mountain vacation to heal up? Let me know!
oh thank you thank you Beth. I can feel those vibes and Colorado. Maybe we will escape to the mountains!
I think closure is the most important part of any healing process. I’ve discovered that I’m not quite there in many areas of my life, but I’m working towards it. Life gives you many ups and downs, so finding the peaceful place within myself to see those and understand them is the ultimate goal for me. I loved this post. I’m glad you and James are finding your closure. Enjoy the rest of your day my friend!
I know you are working towards, and that is HUGE. I am pretty sure our lives live in parallel, so thank you for helping me find peace in it. Now its time to pass that peace onto you.
xoxo
such beautiful words…words I think most of us can relate to in some shape or form…I wish the you both the best in your respective healing/closure…thank you for sharing 🙂
Thank you Danielle. I agree, i think everyone can relate in some way, and everyone can also support each other. The perfect way to heal, love, and move on! right?
what a peaceful time for both of you lindsay. look to this as a time for peace, serenity, and aceptance. love that it is also offering a time for closure in this peace. so sorry you have been ill and it still is a battle for you. i had no idea. there was a time in my life not too far back when i was ill too and it took years to get to where i am now. look forward to the better times ahead in health and wellness. you will appreicate it more-i know i do!
I’d love to hear more about that some day. If you are willing to share it. Thanks Kalli. xoxo
I love your honesty—and I totally relate to what you said about the “wall.”
It’s easier to keep it up, but in the end…challenges are opportunities to evolve more and reach a more wonderful state of being in each moment and in the long-term.
yes, evolving, the perfect word to describe it. Oh and I just read your post, man i can relate to you so much.
You are simply amazing my friend. So glad the hubs found closure and was able to support. This can be very difficult for athletes. I hope it felt good to write down your feelings. I know that is always helpful for me. Love you friend!
yes, i know you can relate to that Rachelle. Thank you! How was Vegas by the way!?!!
I have complete respect for you L. No need to check off a to do running/tri list or share mileages. You obviously know the sports. I’m praying for healing for both you and the hubs.
Your honesty is so admirable in this post!!
Thanks friend. You are a rock in my life.. Totally respect both ways!
Posts like these, are why I read your blog! You have a way of unintentionally helping others when you are just helping yourself and trying to get some words out.
I like that you admitted that you have that barrier, your wall, and you were willing to break it down a bit by this post. I can be sort of the opposite – I am SO vulnerable and will let my feelings out and talk to anyone who is willing to listen. Sometimes, I wish this wasn’t the case. :/
its a hard balance, i know. Such a fine line to walk with vulnerability but I think you do a great job Katie. I love hearing your “voice.” I will always be here to listen. Thanks for listening to me today.
Love you, friend. This is so beautiful and honest and HEALING. Your vulnerability will allow others to feel safe being honest about whatever it is that they are dealing with. We all have something!
So true Dorr. Gosh I can’t wait to see you this weekend. I need a big Dorry hug! Love you!
I am SURE this took a lot for you to put all of these vulnerable feelings out there for all of us to see. But you know what? It shows just how big of a heart you have and how strong you truly are. I love that about you, so much. I’m so glad you two are coming to that closure you both so desperately need. Hugs my friend.
You do know my heart and its through your posts and ecnouragment that I am more confident in sharing. Thank you friend! hope you are feeling good after that PR! WOO!
You are amazing and brave for even sharing this, I am sure it took a lot to write. You know you are helping many others by being bold and sharing your struggles. You are SO strong, so beautiful inside and out and I have no doubt everything is going to end up even better. Your faith is what carries you through.
I am thinking of you and admire you more than you know. What a beautiful post and I wish you all the best towards health and complete happiness! xx
Thank for those wishes. I will cherish them more than you know!
You put this together so well Lindsay, thank you for sharing this! So glad for both of you and keep taking care of yourself 🙂
will do. thanks Tessa. <3
Love it. Take care of yourself, lady! <3
Thats the plan of attack. Thanks friend. Hug that sweet Gabby for me!
aw, so glad the hubs got closure… and im sending good vibes that the intestinal demons go away ASAP! i cant have my fave gluten-free woman be sick!
girl you need to keep some intestinal healing for yourself too, right? man, we should be living together. That would be fun, eh? haha. Thanks friend. xoxo
Lindsay, that was so wonderfully pieced together. I know ‘making things sound wonderful’ isn’t the goal, but what makes it wonderful is seeing your heart in it.
🙂
thank you kaite, such a great words to remember!